Valentine’s Day is all romance, chocolates, and candlelit dinners—until nine months later, when you’re waking up at 3 a.m. to a crying baby. Trust me, I know. My last Valentine’s “gift” is now three years old.

No one tells you that February 14th is a top-tier baby-making holiday. But if your birthday falls in mid-November, do the math—your parents knew exactly what they were doing.

Want to avoid an unexpected plus-one? Read on for my hilarious take on how Valentine’s can change your life forever.