Challenges in Modern Malawian Marriages: The Untold Struggles of Love and Power

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A topic not often discussed in our circles is the challenges in modern Malawian marriages. It is concerning that the current survival age of any marriage is two years, down from five years. Many weddings that made the news two years ago are going through a ‘separation’ or divorce, and just a few would register total happiness in their union.

Marriage is one aspect that is sacred in the Malawian culture. It is a cornerstone in our society, symbolizing love, unity, and a shared purpose. More than anything, marriage is a symbol of maturity. However, there has been an enormous shift in traditions which has also led to the marriage institution evolving which has led to the revelation of the cracks that are difficult to ignore.

From an outsider’s perspective, modern marriages in Malawi appear increasingly complex. Beneath the Instagram-perfect unions, the Church exemplified, or the culturally mandated ‘happily-ever-afters,’ lie people battling unspoken struggles. Behind the curtains are marriages that stand on grounds of convenience, where one partner’s bisexuality is swept under the carpet to conform to societal expectations. Then there is the subtle but relentless power play where money or sex are weaponized, turning what is meant to be a beautiful institution into a battlefield.

These are struggles that are never openly discussed, but are slowly shaping the meaning of ‘married’ in Malawi. This post aims to remove the veil and explore the challenges in modern Malawian marriages and the impact it has on individuals and relationships.

The Hidden Realities and Challenges in Modern Malawian Marriages

Behind the smiles of many unions lie heartbreaking secrets and motives. In such modern times, it no longer is a marriage built on love, trust, honesty, and unity. Marriage has an entirely different meaning now, a meaning that is still being crafted with each ‘I do.’

The challenges in modern Malawian marriages usually prevail before most unions even celebrate their second anniversary. By the sixth month, they no longer see the need to be in each other’s space as often, and they become miserable. Here are some of the reasons:

Marriages of Convenience

One of the biggest challenges in modern Malawian marriages is marriages of convenience. Now, we can branch these out into different categories:

Marriage as a Facade: Concealing One’s True Sexuality

Heterosexual marriages now harbor people who swing the different way but are afraid of living their truths due to the cultural impact it would have on their lives. We have people in marriages that got into their union not because they were in love, but because it offered them the best cover of their true sexual identity. In a country that is dominated by conservative values, those who identify as gay or bisexual are often pressured to get married to conceal their truth by marrying someone of the opposite sex to avoid being stigmatized or rejected.

These marriages, built on secrecy and not love, bring unhappiness and dissatisfaction. There are people in marriages who go months without as much as a kiss or touch, and when they do get to consummate their marriages, it feels like two people who are strangers hooking up. Conflicts erupt, but beyond that, there are personal conflicts for the partner that is hiding their true self, because they experience unhappiness the most.

There are underlying tensions that the other spouse is left in the dark, inner battles of guilt and isolation due to hiding their true self. Unfortunately, the spouse in the dark will eventually experience distress as they carry a burden unknown. They are meant to feel like they are inadequate for their partner and will often try harder to bring satisfaction to the other.

For those who invest time in nightlife, some people are publicly married and privately sleep with those of the same sex while their partners await them in their homes.

Lavender Marriages: A Practical Arrangement

A lavender marriage refers to a union between a heterosexual and a homosexual person, often to conceal the latter’s sexual orientation. This arrangement historically served as a means of protecting individuals from societal persecution, legal ramifications, or personal hardship due to their sexual orientation.

by India Today

Some of the marriages that you see are lavender marriages. While these did not exist much in the past in Malawi, a lot more couples are becoming more honest with one another and experiencing this. In the Malawian context, I have noticed that they serve two purposes; they conceal the homo (bi) sexuality of one partner and often are used for financial status and benefits for the other.

Lavender marriages offer freedom to those who identify with a sexuality that is frowned upon by society. They can live their true selves with their sexual partners in private while having a partner for public outings. With such a marriage, they can maintain their social status, avoid any public scrutiny (so long as they can conceal their private dealings well), and secure financial benefits.

In the Malawian context, and this is my observation alone, usually the homosexual partner is the man. For the women, they benefit from the financial status that they are afforded from such arrangements. Unfortunately, for such marriages, they come with a lot of rules and agreements. And often than not, one has to compromise the most.

Marriage as a Transaction: Love or Financial Gain?

There is a Praise Umali song, Mukakula, where he said

I hope you look out for you

For everyone is selfish on the low low

Nde pano tikuona titakula

Tikumvetsa titakulanso

Another challenge in modern Malawian marriages is that some enter into such an institution not for love, but the financial stability that comes with it. In a country that continuously exerts economic pressures, some individuals – especially women – may marry men who are financially well-off as a gateway to a better lifestyle.

Such transactional marriages are usually one-sided, the other partner provides the financial stability and status while the other will provide an appearance of intimacy. From a woman’s point-of-view, such marriages provide them comfort, status, and stability that they cannot achieve on their own, especially since we still live in a society that is still trying to make the playing field even for both sexes.

In the long run, the make-shift intimacy disappears, and the marriage is prone to infidelity due to the foundation of it being money instead of any emotional depth. If the partner who married due to their need for financial stability achieves independent financial success, they start feeling trapped and often leave to find their true love.

Navigating the Power Struggles in Modern Marriages: Money, Sex, and Control

Other than marriages of convenience, challenges in modern Malawi marriages also stem from power struggles between partners. This births conflicts which leads to discontent, tension, and sometimes, a break in the marital bondage. Money, sex, and control can produce the biggest battlefield between couples if not handled well.

Money: The Silent Instigator

Financial concerns are one of the leading causes of tension in marriages, both in Malawi and globally. During the wedding season, there is a reason they put so much emphasis on financial advice, be it at the bridal shower or during meetings with Church elders. Those experienced in marriage know that money issues can easily lead to divorce.

Money provides power, and we are all hoping to amass as much money as possible to influence society. Unfortunately, one insecurity marriage will bring is the financial disparity due to financial status or how money is handled. Often, one partner will yield more financial power due to their earning being higher than the other. In instances where economic inequalities exist in a marriage; the imbalance of financial power can cause issues of dependence, insecurity, and resentment.

In instances where there is built-up resentment, a change in circumstance will reverse the roles that make staying together almost impossible. That is why you hear most men complain about how horrible their wives became after they became the sole providers of the family. What they do not understand is that during the years when they had financial prowess, there was resentment building up in their unresolved partner.

Sex: The Battle for Intimacy and Power

Sex, something that was meant to be enjoyed by partners, has become a tool for attaining power or used as a source of frustration in marriage. As such, sex has become the modern battleground for people in marriages in search of power and control. There are people in marriages that use sex as a tool to assert power and dominance, or to manipulate the other, withholding it as a way of punishment or giving it to gain favours.

Mostly, partners in a marriage will withhold sex as a punishment or until they get what they want. This leads to frustration that often sees the other partner seeking intimacy outside the marriage or having built up resentment against the other. A friend of mine recently shared with me that when this happens, the partner withholding the sex will become the second citizen of the marriage and will usually be downgraded to a ‘homie’ status, thus causing more resentment and frustration.

The other issue with sex that is one of the challenges in modern Malawian marriages is the sex drive (addiction). As a society, we have become very vocal about addictions, especially alcohol, but the one addiction that is not discussed is sexual addiction and how it leads to frustration and dissatisfaction.

Lack of open communication hinders them from understanding each other’s sexual drive or sexual needs and how they can work together as a team to meet them. This will bring issues of rejection and inadequacy which can lead to a disconnect. The disconnection worsens issues of intimacy and leads to partners being emotionally distant.

Now, if men have gone to war due to sex, imagine the kind of battleground that’s created between partners…

Control: The Not-So-Subtle War for Dominance

Marriages in the past worked due to the clear lines between who held dominance and who was meant to be submissive. The man was meant to provide while the woman nurtured. However, we are in modern times where both partners provide and there is an expectation that they both nurture.

Decisions about finances, parenting, household responsibilities, and social interactions are expected to be made together. Unfortunately, there is one partner who will want dominance over the other while the other fights for their independence. Each partner is fighting for control, wanting to have their desires overpower the other person’s own. Instead of creating a marriage that is built on mutual respect, they create an environment where the accumulation of power in the marriage is the central focus.

A Wedding vs Marriage

A lot of people in this day and age have been so consumed with the idea of a wedding that they fail to imagine a marriage life. Most people are so engrossed with the vision of how they want their wedding to be, ensuring it will be social media-perfect. What they do not understand is the contract they are getting themselves into; the vows do not mean much and are often not respected, and the binding of two families is taken lightly. That is the modern age we live in.

It is concerning seeing young people build up debt just to ensure they bring to life the vision of their dream wedding, then instantly become frustrated in marriage because it is the opposite of what they thought it would be. Most young people will see their parents celebrate fifty years of marriage and think it is easy.

What most do not understand is the years taken to understand one another, the years of compromise, the tears, the speechless nights, the infidelity, the forgiving, and more to ensure they stick together and raise their children.

Beyond the picturesque wedding is a ‘lifetime’ with another person’s child that you were not raised with and that you have to suddenly be around at all times. The issue is, when people are dating, they think they know each other when really, you are selling the best qualities of yourself to the other person. Only when you stay together do you start understanding each other and learning each other’s flaws?

The Impact of Challenges in Modern Malawian Marriages

I honestly think there are ways that the mentioned challenges in modern Malawian marriages can impact those who have yet to take their vows. As mentioned above, the biggest problem is that these challenges are not discussed openly in our social circles. When they are, it is usually in a condescending matter where people are making fun of one’s marriage forgetting such can befall them too.

For those that are not married, like myself, can impact them in the following ways:

Lack of Trust in the Institution

People who usually observe such challenges in modern Malawian marriages are likely to lose trust and faith in the marriage institution. Most start losing sight of what the beauty of marriage is and become so engrossed with all the worst that it is associated with.

As much, we are starting to get more and more people wanting to get married as they become older as a means of getting a companion in old age than actually having someone to grow old with.

As such, many people now fear commitment and the fear of repeating the mistake that others have made.

Shifting Relationship Norms

Due to the mentioned challenges in modern Malawian marriages, those who are unmarried are looking for unconventional or alternative relationship norms before deciding to commit for a longer term. Such norms are cohabitation or open marriages (such as the lavender marriages discussed earlier), as a response to the traditional marriage model that we have been accustomed to.

Let us continue the conversation in the comment section below. Be sure to write more challenges in modern Malawian marriages that you might have thought of.