Louisa Msiska: An Interview With Myself

For the longest period, I have always wanted to conduct an interview with myself. I find it to be therapeutic, an easy way to express my thoughts to me while also sharing myself with all my readers. So today, I took some time to ask myself some questions and share my thoughts. If there is anything you would also like to ask me, feel free to ask in the comment section and I will be sure to answer them.

Here goes:

If you were to be asked how you are, what would be the answer?

To be quite honest, I would say that I am working to be okay. I am currently not in the best mental state, my sleep paralysis seems to be creeping back just when I thought I had overcome it which makes me so anxious and stressed. However, I am doing my best and working hard to ensure I get back to a state of utter comfort and happiness.

Is there something specific that might have triggered your sleep paralysis?

I feel I had been going through some stressful situations which have disturbed my sleeping pattern lately. Mostly ranging from work and a few personal situations. In my thinking and looking at my background, I feel they might have had a big impact on me having the paralysis yet again. However, I have started meditation right before bedtime to make sure that I calm my mind.

Looking back at your life, what are some of the things you are the proudest of?

There are many things that I would list down as things I am proud of, but just to mention a few:

• I am proud that I graduated just a few months ago. Finalising my BBA was such a hectic journey filled with so much pain and happiness. Was glad to see both of my parents proud and over the moon.
• I always say this, but when I volunteer for different causes, I get so happy with myself. It is the perfect way to share my knowledge and ideas to different people.
• Also proud of the person I am building myself to become, I have always been stuck in a dark rabbit hole and never tried to get out because I had found comfort in that life. However, recently, I have had so many conversations with myself and done a bunch of reviews and decided I needed to change, not for anyone, but for my well-being.

Is there anything you regret?

I am definitely not perfect, I am human and I make a lot of mistakes, mistakes that haunt me till day that I have to live by. It would be hard to say I do not have any regrets about things I have done before. In the spirit of sharing, these are some of the things I would highlight as being regrets:

• I realised that I made mistakes by always not being able to work on most of my relationships, not just romantic relationships, but all relationships in general. I noted with myself that most times, I was ready to abandon relationships because of the thought that it was time for them to die when all that was needed was a little bit of effort from my end. I have realised that that alone has made me lose people that were important to me, however, my negligence and ignorance (with a little bit of ego) could not permit me.
• I regret always wanting to be the strongest link to those that are close to me. That alone left me hurting in closed doors because I never wanted to be seen as vulnerable to others.
• I regret blaming all that went wrong in my life when I was a child as the reason of my misfortunes now. I end up blaming my trust issues on people that hurt me when I was little, my fear to have people be close to my life due to all the people that left me long ago etc.
• Lastly, I regret not always putting my needs and wants first.

Why do you do everything that you do every day?

Recently, I have been complaining to myself about how repetitive all my days seem to be. It seems like I am living the same day, doing the same things just in different clothes and tones. There really isn’t much of a difference. Today is similar to yesterday which is similar to tomorrow. I find it boring! If anyone was to wake me up in the middle of the night with a riffle on my head to be specific about my day, I would know that I still have life. The issue is knowing that I allow myself to do the routine because I have been allowed settling in my mind that that is how my life is set up. I have instilled it in me that that is a way of life currently. Which makes me realize I need to spark it up, need to make me lively and be willing to live.

What do you really believe in? What do you know to be true to you?

This question is what sparked me to want to do a self-interview. Someone in the office had pointed out that most people are never too sure as to what they believe in, they mostly believe in things because of peer pressure and societal norms and values. So, I began to ask myself what I honestly believe in.

I figured I have lost faith in religion. I was raised in the church, every Sunday, multiple visits to the convent considering I once considered to be a nun. But now, I lost all belief in religion. I discovered that for the most part, I did not really live by God’s words, I lived to make the religion happy. I learned that I was more scared of the church than I was of God. I was scared of not having people sing at my funeral because of being absent from church, but would God care if people sing hymns in their off tunes over my lifeless body? Would that help take away my sins from earth? I figured not. So, I believe in God and the Holy Trinity and work to always make sure I have a great relationship with the man above.

Secondly, I believe in everything that makes me a better person. While this translates to a lot of things, there are a few I would like to clarify. In no way am I feminist (I actually admire a lot of them), however, there are some feminist ideologies that I live by. I believe in equity than I do equality. Here’s why, when I scream gender equality, I am screaming for both males and females to be treated in the same way which in the long run would not be beneficial to one party. However, when I scream equity, I believe in girls and women being given the right resources and opportunities to be as successful as the males. And while some people have shown their disapproval in this, I make it known that it is what I believe in and fully respect the beliefs of others.

Where do you find your security?

To be fair, I wouldn’t stand here and just say I found it from a b c, it is a journey I am on. I am on a journey of trying to find my happiness and security. I have always drowned in insecurities, some that I always denied having. However, those that are close to me taught me to always find the problem if I am to solve it completely. So, I started self-discovering, trying to make sure I was aware of things that drowned me in self-pity. I learned that I was not always happy with my appearance, the big forehead, huge eyes and lips, my skin tone, the shape of my legs, and more. Then there were insecurities of not being as smart, not being as good enough as others. I was always in self-pity.

But I started to learn self-acceptance, started to learn how to be happy with myself and all that I am. I learned how to be comfortable and confident in myself. I am learning to be okay when I fail to achieve goals when I fail to achieve and find new ways of making sure I achieve. So, I won’t lie to you all and say I have mastered a way of finding my security, but I know that my security lies within me. All I have to do is unlock the doors to it.

What bothers you, and what are you doing about it?

I am an ambivert, this means that there are times when I am introverted while other times I am extroverted. It balances both personalities. What mostly bothers me is when those close to me do not understand when I want to be alone and when I can socialize. I realize that it also depends on my communication with them, however, sometimes it is met with confusion. I get too happy just being alone, I can entertain myself and be able to pass time, it comes with being an only child. So until people learn that my choice to spent time with myself often is not due to sadness, the quicker they would make me a happy gal.

What worries you?

I worry about myself a lot. I worry about my unforeseen future, I worry if it will turn out to be just as how I envision it. I worry about my love life, each day passes and I feel I might never fall in love ever again, that I might be too comfortable just being ‘friendly with friends’ than actually finding someone who compliments me (although it is a small worry). i worry about losing my mum, I often find myself wondering if I would survive a world without her by my side. The one thing that scares me shitless is if God has it in his plans to make me a mother in this life.

Are you happy?

I am trying to find true happiness within.

Are you comfortable alone?

I am too comfortable alone, which somehow is a problem. My friend pointed out how the 20s are supposed to be the years that one experiment and experiences a lot, yet I am one of those that prefers to be home tucked in my bed, enjoying wine and the silence.

If you had one year left on earth, how would you spend it?

To be honest, write a lot of poetry to share, have a lot of wine and sex,

travel to Malawi to cherish its beauty, and just spend time with my loved ones.

What’s your next self?

Honey, I am determined to find a job before September next year. I am on starting a second degree soon before I can venture into my MBA. And maybe, try and find love and allow my friends to match-make or go on blind dates. But at the forefront, the ultimate goal is to make sure I am happy in all realms and be able to spread it with sprinkles of love.

So there it is folks, an interview with myself. I recommend that sometimes, we ask ourselves questions because they help us discover who we are to ourselves. It enables that you establish how you want people to be around you without any malicious thoughts.

But like I stated, if there is anything about me that you would like to know, be sure to drop your questions in the comment section and I promise to answer it as soon as possible.

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X.O – Louisa