I Am Back… Sorta

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Can you believe it that my last post was about a month ago? I had sworn not to look at this blog until at least the 1st of July. My thinking was that in order to deal with the emotional turmoil within me, I needed to shut off. So, I had started checking myself out of many things, the last thing being my blog.

However, since my announcement on Twitter and some of my dear creative friends, all I got was anger from a lot of them. Not bad anger, just the thought that maybe I should use the blog more as I try to figure things out. Also, a few people made me realize that a month break could result to two, then three and before I knew it, a whole year would have passed me by. The thought of that was scary cause this little blog of mine is my baby. I could not think of a year without it, which just made me resent myself more for even taking a month off.

So, I figured to just come back. To share a bit of what has been in my mind. Now, I will not be too open of the mess that has me wrapped up, with time, I will open up more. But sharing the surface of everything already makes me feel relieved.

Everything is a mess

This is the best way to explain everything going on around me. Just a giant mess that I cannot navigate around. How I also know that everything is a mess? I am a firm believer that a clean room is a clean mind. For the past three weeks, I have taken comfort in staying in a pigsty. Not literally, but the mess in my room does not bother me anymore. A made bed is the only hope that some part of my brain is still calm.

However, the mess in my brain is largely influenced by the mess in my environment. Again, not literal mess. But, my work-life balance has been off as of late, that added with the fast decreasing drive to keep working for the company I work for now. I am not happy here, the job no longer fulfils me. But, finding a job is a hell’s work.

Then there is the mess with personal relationships and more. Things that I feel I have no control over, but still have to endure them. More so, cause of the people involved.

See, A MESS.

Art of shutting down

This is nothing to be proud of. But I know myself, and since this is about sharing, I might as well share some of my bad habits. When things get tough and I start losing hope on them ever getting better, I shut down. Literally, like a computer.

What this means is, I will distance myself from everyone around me. Yea, I go MIA without any explanations. This is something that I am very guilty of now.

For instance, for the past month or two, I have barely talked to a lot of my family or friends. I completely removed myself from creative groups, like Afrobloggers and others like that. Barely left my house for any where else other than work. And even at work, I stopped tagging along with colleagues during lunch time, preferring to just sit on my own and zone out.

One place you can find me is on Twitter at least. Reason being that it is an escape space. The chaos of the app makes me feel like I belong, cause of the chaos in my head too.

Being back…

A problem shared is a problem half solved, or at least that’s what I think the saying goes. Also, while I want to commit myself to writing, this is not full commitment. one thing I do not want is to leave this space idle.

So, while I will attempt to write from time to time, I want to officially open for guest blogs. Be aware of the topics I mostly write on and see if you can contribute.

If you want to share, easily email me on esthermsiska@outlook.com and we will set the ball rolling.

Thank you for going through this dull post.

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