How To Discuss With Your Partner About Abstinence


So, you have chosen to become sexually abstinent? Congratulations! That is not an easy decision, considering we are living in a time of sexual freedom and exploration. Although it is admirable, it can also be hard to fully express your decision to your partner. Therefore, this post is to give a few pointers on how you can discuss with your partner about abstinence.

What is Abstinence?

I am assuming you already know this, but take this as just a reminder. According to Oxford Dictionary, they defined abstinence as:

 the practice of not allowing yourself something, especially food, alcoholic drinks, or sex.

In this case, it means refraining or restraining yourself from some or all sexual activities for various reasons.

Reasons for being abstinent

There are various reasons why one would choose to restrain themselves from having sexual encounters. I will try to explain the reasons as briefly as possible for your clear understanding.

1. Religious Beliefs

This is the biggest reason why most choose to be abstinent. A lot of bible verses condemn sexual activities by unmarried people. This is noted in the Ten Commandments which clearly states


Another great example is 1 Corinthians 7: 8-9 which says

To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

So, most will prefer to be abstinent until marriage.

2. Morals and Values

Remember when I said that we are living in a life of sexual freedom? This meant that we are living in a time when people have no issues with having casual sec, so long as it satisfies their need. And while many do this, some choose to create values within themselves which require them to be abstinent.

For example, a very close friend of mine revealed that he chose to be abstinent until he gets in a relationship. That is a moral he instilled within himself and upholds.

3. Health Issues

Although I am a little unlearned about this reason, it is also a case in other instances. There are issues such as:

  • Heart problems
  • Child birth
  • Cancer etc

4. Reverse Virginity

This mostly happens for couples, especially those that are engaged and are about to get married. This is usually an agreed form of abstinence where both partners agree to abstain in order to make it extra special during their honeymoon.

It increases the longing of partners and the intimacy between them.

There are many reasons why people choose to abstain from sex. However, if your single and are about to get in a relationship, it is important to know when and how you can discuss with your partners about abstinence.

When to tell your partner about your decision

The question of when to tell the partner is what most always struggle with. So, you’ve been going on dates with a human and know for sure that you would like to have something serious with them. Question is always on when to tell them. Here’s my take:

Some people rush to tell their partners during the dating period. I feel like this not right, at this time, you are trying to learn about each other. Do not make it awkward by pouring your sexual activities or decisions just yet.

However, it is important to let them know at the beginning of the relationship. By this, I do not mean to wait until you are heavily kissing and exchanging tongues (eww, kidding) to tell them. This is not just a simple thing you say in passing.

No, do not wait for 90 days. Be open with them even in the first week.

Related topics:

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Why Being Single For So Long Is Sometimes Not A Good Idea

How to discuss with your partner about your abstinence

This is a big decision, so the first thing I will say is to never discuss such an issue over text or phone call. It requires a face-to-face.

Anyway, we have established the when, but the last issue is how to discuss with your partner about abstinence.

1. Be sure of your decision

Before you start the discuss this, make sure you are very sure of your decision. Is it really what you want to do? I have noted that some people, especially women will make this decision with the thought that their partners will marry them faster.

2. Be very clear of your reasons

It is important that when you decide to tell your partner, you clearly state the reasons why you are making the decision that you are. You want to make them fully understand and appreciate your thinking.

3. Be understanding of their setbacks

This especially goes to those that want to experience reverse virginity. It is important to understand that something like that requires both of you to make the decision of abstinence. Therefore, you will need to be understanding if your partner is uncomfortable with your suggestions. Do not force it on them.

4. Be clear on what you can and cannot do

Like I said, abstinence can be fully restraining yourself from some or all sexual activities. Be clear on what you cannot do. If you are okay with french kissing and a little touching as part of your intimacy, then be open with it. Or, if you are fully reserving yourself, also open up about that. Do not keep one guessing.

Lastly, you should know that how one chooses to take in your decision is completely up to them. This especially goes to single people who have chosen to abstain, some people will want to be with you regardless. While others, will be uncomfortable and choose to opt out of the relationship. Never blame them, it is all totally up to them.

Also, never force yourself out of abstinence just to make someone stay.

What are your thoughts? Share them in the comment section below.


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